Uchiha Jon: The Real Last Uchiha: One-Shots
by Ury Salunide
Summary: Collection of Uchiha Jon one-shots (in order).
1. Kid Trunks Revenge: The Movie

_(AN: this takes place in Uchiha Jon universe. You may want to at least read chapter 13 of that, first. This is an idea I was having. I think it'd make a good movie, so I wrote this with that in mind.)_

Trunks was at the table eating the food his not anymore mom had made for him. He was glaring hard through his white paint and sporking the table.

"Cut that out, Trunks," Bulma, his not mom said. She was looking mad and wearing sexy clothes, which now Trunks didn't feel so bad about thinking Bulma had the nice tits.

"Shut up, bitch," Trunks snapped, flinging potatoes at Bulma.

"The fuck did you just say to her?!" Vegeta angried at his not son. His head was pulsing with desire to kill, and his eyes were soft with unbridled rage.

Trunks transpired a long time about weather or not to say his next words, but he eventually did. "I said, 'shut up, bitch' to the bitch over there." He flinched an eye at Vegeta and bared the left half of his teeth. It only happened in a split second, but Vegeta was good at seeing cause he is a god Saiyan.

Vegeta leapt onto the table and side kicked trucks in the head. "I always hated fuckin vegans," he mutters, then flips trunks off. "Apolgize to Bulma or I'll catstrate you with your own teeth, and it won't be pretty, for you, that is. I, on the other hand, will like it much."

"Fuck you, you're not my real dad!" Trunks said. He then started to cry.

"Trunks, just because we're not blood related doesn't mean anything," Bulma said.

"The hell it doesn't!" yelled Vegeta, kicking over the table at Trunks. Trunks got smashed in the face.

"No, it doesn't. I've raised him all these years. He even drank milk from my awesome and large breasts."

"They are awesome," Vegeta agreed. "I'll concede to that, and maybe con seed to you later, eh?" Vegeta winked.

"Why later?" Bulma winked. They began fucking right there. It was hot and sweaty, and filled with lots of screams of passion, and bodily fluids went everywhere, but not the good kind. Trunks stabbed his eyes out with his spork, but they grew back.

"The hell's going on down here?" Uchiha Jon said as came into the room. The live studio audience claps.

"I was just beating the shit out of your not brother, Jon, then fucking Bulma. It was hot. Want to go bowling or something?" Vegeta asked pridefully to his son he loved. It was a new feeling for him.

"Hell yeah dad, but can we toss the beer around first? I think my arm's getting compliant," Jon said. He swirled his arm around his shoulder. "Oh, sup babe," he said to Bulma, who was hot and naked. Vegeta allowed this, cause Jon was awesome.

Trunks lit the table on fire and ran away, screaming. He ran right out the door then flew. Trunks was still a Saiyan, either because of Bulma's magic womb, or because he was made out of pipe cleaners, no one really knew. He flew to Tibet and trained with Bruce Tim _(AN: If you don't know who that is, you're a nerd, and fuck you, go away. No, don't really, keep reading. Bruce Tim was, and still is, very influenza in Detective Comics. That's DC (the thing with Superman) for you plebs.)_

Trunks did the very good training montage so he become the best super saiyan-jin vegan vampire ever, times two.

"You've done very good, Trunks," contorted Bruce Tim. Bruce Tim was a very reckless man with his words indeed. Trunks, filled with pleasure with himself, shot happy lasers at Batman, and he exploded.

"Haha! Yes! I feel great! I can win! I can do this!" Trunks happied and flew back to where Bulma and Vegeta and that stupid Jon kid lived.

When he got back, Jon was fucking Bulma. Trunks wanted to do that, so it made him sad and he forgot all about his revenge. He wanted to kill himself again, but he was a vampire.

"Oh, OH, JON! RIGHT THERE! CHIDORI THE PUBES!" Bulma shouted.

Vegeta clapped. "Good job, son. Chidori those pubes."

But it was all just a sexy dream, cause that'd be fucked up otherwise.

Trunks was lying at the snow when he came to.

"You alright?" asked Batman. "You spazzed out a lot in your sleep. Dead parents?"

"No. No parents. Pipe cleaners and Cheetos, and an Uchiha who needs to die," Trunks said epically. He narrowed his eyes at Batman and nodded. Batman nodded back. He knew the kid had spunk and shit to do.

"I've got shit to do," Trunks informed Batman. His eyes were narrowed wicked coolly.

"I know it," Batman graveled. "Here, take this," Batman said, handing Trunks a Bat-shotgun. "You know it's my motto to murder all your enemies. Take what I taught you well."

Trunks and Batman shared a cup of tea, then a nod, and they left Tibet. Trunks headed for Japan, and Batman headed for space to fight Morlocks. "The Morlocks aren't going to kill themselves," Batman had joked, and the two laughed.

"Ah, memories," Trunks said, smiling. But it was no time for that. He had an Uchiha to murder. Trunks pumped his shotgun as he continued to fly to Japan. He shot it at some random shit to test if it worked alright. A car exploded and smashed into a mountain. Trunks thought that was a good thing.

Trunks finally arrived at Bulma and Vegeta's house, i.e. Capsule Corp. "Jon!" Trunks bellowed. "Come out and fight me!"

Jon appeared out of nowhere. "What do you want, shit head?" he asked.

"To kill you!" he yelled, waving the Bat-shotgun around. "DIIIIEEEE!"

Jon drop kicked Trunks in the head. Just before he lost consciousness, he thought, _I should have just let Batman adopt me...!_

And that's how Kid Trunks got his revenge.


	2. Uchiha Jon and the Capes Crusader

Uchiha Jon was shaving his chidori beard and manscaping when a knock the door caused him to cut a little too much of his chidori off. "The fuck is it?" he swore (cause this is rated M, and he's a little older now, maybe?) and whipped around.

"Someone's for you," came the voice of that stupid Vegan Kid Trunks, who had tried to kill the awesome Jon Uchiha.

"Fine, whatever," Jon said. He put his beard away and walked through the door.

Downstairs was Batman!

"I need your help, Uchiha Jon," graveled the bat man.

"What about me?" Vegan Kid Trunks asked, pointing to his face that had caked on black paint (it was much more gothik that way).

"Who the fuck are you, kid?" Batman asked. Batman had a serious face on. Despite most of it being covered, you could tell he was not amused. Somehow the eye holes moved with his glare.

"It's me! Trunksu! You taught me the ways of the Bat-shotgun, remember?" Vegan Kid Trunks said, jumping about and waving his arms like a humming bird.

"No idea," Batman replied. "Get the fuck out of my face, you cheezy cheetos shit."

"See, you do know!"

"Fuck off, kid!" Batman spin bat-kicked kid trunks.

kid Trunks cried, then lit his hair on fire and ran around, spreading the fire to drapes and tampons and other shits. It kept growing back though, so the fire never ended until Vegeta appeared and blew the fire up (along with Trunks head, but it regrew, cause Super Saiyan-jin Vegan Vampires are True Immortal).

 _(AN: Vegan Kid Trunks is really op, and has the potential to be the strongest character ever. It is too bad he is a tiny insexure shit, or perhaps good for Jon, cause then Jon wouldn't be the most awesome. You can choose your own adventure there.)_

So, Jon high fived Vegeta (cause fuck kid trunks, am I right?) and the two double teamed Bulma. But that was just a dream, cause Kid Trunks is fucked in the head.

"So, I heard that comedian ralphy may died cause he had high blood pressure and heart disease. Who would have guessed?" Uchiha Jon asked Batman as they walked out the door.

"Me. Because I am the Goddamn Batman," Batman graveled.

Jon was wondering how a bat man could be so dumb. Jon was obviously being a sarcastic jerk. Maybe that was just Batman's sense of humor?

"So, Uchiha Jon," the bat man said, "have you a grapple beam?"

"No, but I don't need one. I can fly, because I am Super Saiyan," Jon explained.

"That's not how ki works. Anyways, if you're gunna chill with me, you need a bat-beam. Here," Batman said and handed Jon an extension cord.

Jon held the extension cord in his hands, looking at it like "wtf am I to do with this?" but then he shrugged, cause he's awesome, and used it to grapple off of clouds. "Woah, neat," Jon exclaimed.

"Day 32. Found a _new_ partner. Too bad about the _others_ , but they were _weak._ Fuck them. Hope this kid does better. The pitch of night is _dark_ , like the deepest depths of _Satan's asshole_ , and the air makes it hard to _see_ , as if there is no light. Because it's _dark_ , and I'm the dark knight. Get it?" Batman monologue as he swung through the buildings and trees.

"The hell are you going on about?" Jon asked as he started to get a really bad feeling about this Batman dude.

"I'm narrating. What of it?" Batman said totally serious-like, like aids, or a 500 pounds man dying because of high blood pressure.

"You're crazy! And stop being offensive, narrator! It's too soon!"

"I'm crazy, and you're talking to the narrator? The fuck, dude? I thought you was my bro."

It was just then that Jon understood. This wasn't batman, but rather Crazy Steve, Frank Miller's All-Star Batman!

 _Shit_ , thought Jon. _I'm gunna fuckin die._

"Down there," Crazy Steve said, pointing to the back of a small child running down an ally.

"Robin?" asked Jon.

"What? No. Suspect," Batman graveled, unaware that Jon was referring to the fact that the child was apparently running down an "ally" and not an "alley."

Batman leapt down, kicking the small child in the back, and smashing it into the ground.

"Holy fuck!" shouts Jon Uchiha. His eyes are big as he looks on.

Batman picks up the small child by the head. It was a little girl. "WHERE ARE THE DRUGS?!" he screams into her face, shooting spittle and foam all over the little girl.

The little girl starts to cry.

"Stop it, Crazy Steve, shouts Jon," Jon shouted loudly.

"The fuck Jon? I thought you was my bro?" Batman says, glaring, but also surprised. "I thought you understood?"

"She's just a kid!"

"A kid. _With drugs_. Two nights ago I saw her watching her parents do coke in the back of a van."

"How the hell does that mean anything?!"

"Everyone in gothim is on drugs!" explains crazy steve. He begins to cry.

"Crazy steve, are you on drugs?" Jon asks sympathetically. He didn't really care, but fuck it, he's a bit of a sociopath.

"N-no! No way! I am batman! Batman don't do the drugs!" Batman says while doing a line off a hooker's ass.

"What about that one time with Venom..."

"We don't talk about that!" batman shouts, glaring. "He should of just stayed in marvel!"

Suddenly, the Joker appears, and Crazy Steve throws the little girl through a window. "watch out!" he shouts as her face goes through pain glass.

Batman, raged up, gets into like a sumo wrestler stance and charges at the Joker.

But it isn't just any joke! Fuck no, it's Samurai X playing the Joker!

"Hahaha!" Jokes Joker, grabbing the little girl out of the pain glass window shards. He holds up katana sword to her face. "Surrender now, batman, or she dies!"

"No, Miss Himura! It's not batman, it's insane stevey, and he don't give a fuck!" shouts Uchiha Jon, now getting emotional, cause he don't like seein lil girls get hurt, cause he is a nice guy like that.

"I am a dude!" shouts Miss Himura.

"But you looks like woman and sounds like woman!"

"Not in the dub, fucker!" shouts Himura as he starts to slash the japanese katana sword across little girl throat.

Jon gleams his uchiha eyes and goes Super Saiyan. In but one texatrillionth of a texa second, he breaks the katana, kills Miss Himura, and puts Crazy Steve in jail.

"Thanks, Uchiha Jon," the little girl says. She then grows up into a super hot chick and they fuck.


	3. Uchiha Jon and Z Battle With Alcoholism

Uchiha Jon had recently gained a lot of weight (picture an extremely exaggerated anime version of a fat chibi Sasuke, cept way cooler). While it was true that Jon played beer pong and beer football a lot with his dad, he was getting older. Probably more importantly, he downed whiskey like it was air if air was addicted to air that was addicted to whiskey.

 _I don't have a damn drinking problem_ , Jon thought as he put down a liter of whiskey and opened another. After chugging that one, he opened another. _I wouldn't be so angry all the time if you'd just shut up about my drinking, mom!_

"Son," came the voice of his dad, Vegeta.

Jon turned in his beanbag sack. Vegeta was in his typical training gear and crossing his arms. He had a scowl on his face, but that was also typical of him. Really, it was stupidly hard to tell when that guy wasn't pissed off. "What is it, dad?" Jon asked.

"We need to talk about your drinking problem," Vegeta said. His expression didn't move. That frustrated Jon.

 _Oh, here we go_ , he thought.

But just then, sagely advice from Crazy Steve flashed through Jon's head.

 _"Crazy Steve, are you on drugs?"_ Jon had asked.

 _"N-no! No way! I am Batman! Batman don't do the drugs!"_ Crazy Steve had said while doing a line off a hooker's ass.

The flashback ended.

Back in the real world:

"N-no, dad! I'm totally sober!" Jon proclaimed honestly. His voice was like an angel—if angels were fucking metal.

Vegeta knelt down and put a hand on his son's shoulder. "It's okay, Jon. No true son of mine wouldn't be an alcoholic," he said, looking warmingly into Jon's eyes. They shared a smile. "Yah hear that, Trunks?! I know you're listening, ya little creep!"

Whimpering came from around the corner.

"Anyhow, son, the only problem is that you are fat as fuck. I can't have that in a son, either. You understand?" Vegeta asked. A twinkle of pride was in his eye. Was this the moment Jon was born in the time paradox? Wait, that didn't make sense. But then neither do time paradoxes, so fuck it. Yeah. Jon was just planted into Magical Girl Sasuke-chan (while Jon was fucking her, too) by Vegeta, through Bulma's magical womb. It was simultaneously disgusting and about the hottest thing to ever happen. Eighteen-year-old Magical Girl Sasuke-chan is literally the hottest girl ever (cause why wouldn't she be?).

Jon stopped thinking about the insanity that was his conception and remembered how he used to train a lot when he was but a few years younger. "Yeah, dad, I think I do," he said.

"Good," Vegeta said. A subtle smile was playing on his lips again, and Jon was reminded that he had a father who loved him. All those years being an orphan then having a dad who only taught him how to cheat people by smooth-talking had overflowed with his drinking. He had a father who loved him and wanted to help him be a better Uchiha Jon. "I'll go get Bulma's wallet. You call a doctor about getting liposuction."

 _Thank_ _Gosh_ , Jon thought. He had really started to think he'd have to try at something for once. Fuck that. Rich, overpowered Gary Stu for life!


	4. How Uchiha Jon Saved Christmas

There was a knock on the window. Jon turned his head and saw a fat man in red, waving. He had a giant jolly white beard. Surely, this was good ol' Saint Nicholas. Surely agreed (she was Jon's current nurse).

Jon had never met Santa before, but he had met lots of pizza and sweets, and he knew this man had too. So, Jon waved Santa in. Santa magicked himself through the window. Jon thought that was cool, so alright, he really liked this dude.

"Uchiha Jon, I am glad I have found you," said good ol' Saint Nick. Santa pulled up his belt over the tire underneath his fat man pajamas (or whatever it is he wears). He took his hat off his head revealing a magnificent afro (they don't tell you that in the story books, them damn racists). He shook the hat out of the snowflakes that sat atop it. They sparkled, magicked, and turned into a thousand pin-sized doves. They sang until they hit the floor and died.

Jon was sitting in his bean bag chair, an Xbox controller in one hand, a Mountain Dew on his leg (he had a holder strapped to his thigh) and whiskey in his other hand. With a burp, he asked, ""Why have you come seeking my help, good ol' fat man o' Clause?"

Santa stepped on the corpses of the doves and they turned into a stool underneath his foot. He leaned over, his forearm on his knee, and said, "Well, you see, I have an emergency dental appointment." He opened his mouth and pointed to a tooth that looked rotten as fuck. "Dr. Elfis says if I don't get it taken care of this night, the poisons will seep into my brain, then poof, no more Christmas ever again!"

Jon chewed on some pizza and lifted a brow. He knew what the fat man was getting at now. He said, "So, you require the amazing Uchiha Jon's help? Yeah, I get that a lot, anyhow."

Santa did the HOHOHO and chortled in his belly. "Well, Jon, you see, you're the fattest fuck I know, and the most magical dude outside myself," he ho'd.

(Vegeta's weight loss 'plan' apparently didn't stick)

Jon downed his whiskey, threw the bottle at the ground, finished his pizza, chugged his Mountain Dew, and t-bagged 10 bitches on CoD 22. "Alright, jolly ol' Saint Nick, I'll do this thing for you, but it'll cost you two deers and a cow: cooked," Jon said wisely.

Santa called Jon a ho again, but nodded and said, "You've got yourself a deal, my friend, Jon of the Uchiha."

So, Jon waddled to his feet. With a sigh, he ran around the world a thousand times in a second. When he returned, he was of a respectable Santa weight (he was over a thousand pounds before).

Santa magicked some fat man clothes onto Jon and showed him to his sleigh. Good ol' Saint Nick said, "So, all you have to do is fly over houses, grab a box out of the bag, and throw it at a house. The right gift will find its way."

"Easy enough," Jon said and started on his journey. He was up in the beautiful night sky. Twinkles from street lamps were below, and above were like a billion stars. It reminded him of the night he pushed Sasuke out his window. With a wipe of a tear, Jon said, "I miss that fucking homo."

And so, Jon got depressed and shot a laser at Dancer. He then used the Force to feast on the charred corpse. But it wasn't enough, so he fried another reindeer and ate that one too. "Gosh, I miss them so much," Jon cried.

The sleight started to tip to one side. Presents fell out into the streets below. Jon looked over. "I'm sure those were meant for a pack of feral dogs," he said with a smile, feeling accomplished. "Well, we'll just continue on, then."

"That's good," said Rudolf, "but can you stop eating us?"

"Holy shit! You fucks can talk?! That makes you even more delicious!"

And so, that's the tale of the Christmas where a billion children stopped believing in Santa.


	5. Oh, Uchiha Jon is Also a Soul Reaper

"My good bro Uchiha Jon," the tall man in silly robes said. He had a sword by his waist. Jon was pretty sure that was illegal in Japan, but he wasn't actually sure Dragonball Land had a Japan town.

"I just met you, Strawberry Shortcake," Uchiha Jon said. With a sigh, he got up and began running around the world. He knew where this was going.

"I need your help, dude," Strawberry Shortcake said. He had a stern face, or maybe it was just stupid.

"What is the diameter of pi?" Jon asked.

"A flavor I've never tasted, I guess," Strawberry Shortcake said, "why do you ask?" He quirked a brow.

"No reason."

"Well, I have no recipes for you, and no time to waste! Here!" S.S. said, stabbing Jon in the heart with his sword.

"THE FUCK!" Jon bellowed, but though his heart was pierced, he still felt the love of the world. Or maybe it was the psychedelics he was on.

Out of Jon came a long sexy sword. He blushed. "This proves nothing," he said.

"What are you going on about, bro?" S.S. asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"Okay, well, this is your shinigami sword. It is a manifestation of your spiritual will. Hold it out and pour energy into it."

"S'okay," Jon said and did the thing that was said. The sword transformed into a giant butter knife. "This doesn't look very sharp. How'm I to kill with this? Do I kill with it?"

"Wow! It's even bigger than mine!" Ichigo said, blushing (oh yeah, Jon just remembered that he did meet this guy once, but that's a story for a different day, or rather, about a different day).

It was 1942 when Jon dropped the bomb over Nagasaki via President Truman's orders. Well, it wasn't really his orders, either. The U.S. government had assassinated former President Roosevelt, because he didn't want to kill a shit ton of children, or something sappy like that. Jon knows this because he was the one who slipped him a polo by Ralph Lauren.

Since that day forward, Jon was haunted by the past, present, and future spirits of little Japanese boys who dyed their hair the colors of the Arians. Being a prideful Saiyan and Uchiha, this bothered Jon (Jon's pride is so great that when he goes Super Saiyan his hair actually turns the colors of a rainbow—it looks good with his Holiday Chidori Beard, and is definitely not the gayest thing about him—that'd be the buttsex with Dude Sasuke).

Anyhow, that's how Jon knew Ichigo "Strawberry Shortcake" Kurosaki.

"Hmm, you've got a point," Ichigo said, fixating his chin with his fingers. He was looking stern again, but said nothing more, because he's kind of stupid.

"So, what should I do, Kurosaki-chan?" Jon asked.

"Well, I think if you focus your reishi, it shouldn't matter if it looks dull."

"But then how do I strike fear into mine enemies?"

"That is another good point, my dear Jon-san," he said and studied over Jon for long time. Then a lightbulb fell on his head and he pounded his fist into his open palm. "I'm going to teach you to BANKAI!"

"I trim my plants quite frequently, thank you."

"Hmm, I don't know what you're talking about, Jon-san, but I've got this device that will help us awaken your bankai, then we can go and save the word or something," Ichigo-chan explained.

"S'okay," Jon said. He shook his sword around, and it transformed!

"Woah!" Ichigo shouted with jealousy, but not really, cause he was too stupid to be jealous or have any varied emotions beyond "kind of angry" and "nothing at all."

Jon's sword was now a giant Swiss army knife! Jon went and looked through all the different contraptions. There were corkscrews, knifes, scissors, pointy things, a machine gun... But what really caught his attention was a familiar looking wand. With hope in his eyes, Jon pushed the button on the wand...

...And Magical Girl Sasuke-chan appeared!

"ZOMG!" Jon said, doing the glomping.

Sasuke-chan giggled as they did the nuzzling of cheeks. "I have missed you!" Jon shouted. But he knew in his hearts this was nothing more but a creation of his memory. Magical Girl Sasuke-chan never existed, and no Sasuke knew Jon did, either. But that was okay.

"I've missed you, Jon-kun," Sasuke-chan said. She got up and put her fists on her hips. "MWAHAHAHAHAAHAH!" she laughed evily cutely.

"ZOMG I FORGOT HOW KAWAII YOU COULD BE!"

Ichigo was standing there all like, "WTF?!"

Jon patted him on the back. "Thanks, Strawberry Shortcake," he said, walking away with Sasuke-chan in hand.

"Jon-san, I need your help with the savings of the world!"

"Hahaha, forget about that," Jon said, "I'm gunna go fuck my girlfriend. Ja ne!"


End file.
